Politics and Israel...

I feel it more in Jerusalem than in other parts of the country... from my apartment on Mount Scopus where I look out toward barbed wire and the Arab village beyond, on the bus heading east through ultra-orthodox neighborhoods and through the Arab sections of town, division, conflict and debate are inescapable and omnipresent.

I can not live here and be immune to it, can not be apathetic, can not avoid forming opinions, questioning them, reforming opinions, wondering about my identity, wondering about the identity and principles of this country. I am a part of it now, and I feel strongly that any action - even buying a newspaper, or getting fruit in the souk - has a political effect and a deeper symbolic meaning.

Perhaps my feelings will change. Surely they will. I can only right now about the present moment, about what I have seen and have discussed.

Two examples from t he last 24 hours.

Less than two minutes ago, a helicopter landed outside my window. MY roommate had noticed snipers and police cars and humvees beginning to crowd the neighborhood. His best guess is that the prime minister was arriving here to go to Hadassah Hospital. As the helicopter landed and Elad and I snapped pictures, a sniper stood with his gun pointed directly at me. I waved, smiled, didn't feel threatened, and yet now realize I think this was a first time even for me... The helicopter retreated quickly and now the traffic circulation is back to normal, the police presence vanished.

The events of last night are more perplexing, disturbing, notable...
A dinner party among graduate students... Innocuous, no?

Hardly... and not in Jerusalem...
The cast of characters included myself, two friends from my grad program (American women), 2 French women, my roommate, an Austrian journalist who is studying here for a semester, and a 21-year old Jerusalemite. Basically, the 21-year-old was explaining to the journalist his reasons for leaving the army and not doing his full service. His reasons were both health related and political. He used words such as "occupation" and "apartheid." On the other hand, my roommate served in an intelligence unit in the army and feels strongly about the importance and necessity of the Israeli armed forces. He was extremely offended by the other Israeli and ultimately everyone had to leave... The 21-year-old isn't really welcome here anymore, and I feel a bit caught in the middle...
I want to be open to anyone being in my house... but I understand the sentiments of my roommate. He risked his life for 4 years, will be willing to do so in a moments notice if called upon, and protects all of the country's citizens - the orthodox, the prisoners, the children, the aged... everyone. And I understand his resentment toward the 21-year-old who had spent his army years "free" - travelling the world. But I understand the pacifist perspective too, and the idea of desiring free choice about one's life.

Even after a mere 3 weeks here, I feel completely confused about where I stand, and how to stand there. I am not at all apathetic, am enthralled and interested, but do now know how to act. I want to help, but don't even know what ends I desire. I see incredibly valid arguments on almost every side..and as a woman who grew up in the protected American society, I question what right I have to even try and imagine, sympathize, or take a stand. Judaism too, is called into question here. I feel ever further from the orthodox world and can't help but question if the fundamental values that drive the religion take a back seat to the tiny details of daily rituals. I can't help but question if the preferential treatment given to all Jews here is at the expense of others...

That's why I am here, though. To ask these questions, to explore them, to figure out my own identity and what my role is within that context.