"In long range-planning for a trip, I think there is a private conviction that it won't happen. Something had to happen to forbid my going, but it didn't."
- steinbeck

How to begin... and now the only thing yet to do is depart.

"When the virus of recklessness begins to take possession of a wayward man and the road away from Here seems broad and straight and sweet, the victim must first find in himself a good and sufficient reason for going."

These past few weeks have been too busy to be sad. And as I've walked out of doorway after doorway, I have tried to practice what I see as my goal for this trip. Being present in the moment. Undeniably, any choice means the closing of alternatives. The bravery in decision making is accepting the unchosen. It is easy to validate the choices we make in retrospect, to explain away why our experiences were "meant to be." It is harder is to let go of the untrodden opportunities and I can not quite believe- tempting as it may be - that those options would not have played out in equal or even better fates. So as I begin this new phase, I hope to weigh opportunities in a different way, based less on should, based less on pressure from society, and based more on what I believe is truly the best choice. My hope is that an open mind will awaken me to opportunities that I could easily miss, and that a focus on the present will make each choice I make that much more complete and fulfilling.

Cheesy, perhaps, but for those who know me, you'll agreed that I have spent too much of these 25 years worrying about the past and the future. It is time to leave the worrying behind and to live, now.

Doors close behind me. (I can't help but think about ne'ilah) but I am proud that I have no regrets, no burned bridges and no hard feelings (I hope). I am not running away from anything (at least not consciously!) nor am I running toward anything. I am simply walking forward.

I go alone, and would not want it any other way. But the past few weeks have again reminded me of how blessed I am. Family, friends, community... I take parts of it all with me and know that I would never have the courage to go if I didn't have such a strong safety net back home. I do not go seeking home or with the hope of "Finding myself." I know well that my home is where my family is and that I am Jewish, American, a Hess, an Olstein, a Nauman...


Steinbeck again, because he says it better: [Journeys] are things in themselves, each one an individual and no two alike. I speculated with wonder on the strength of the individuality of journeys and stop to postulate that people don't take trips - trips take people..."

And thus, I jump aboard, eyes open, heart open, mind open, ready for this journey. . .